Breaking the Habit
by Sailor Aurora Helios
Summary: Duo is left home alone and his dark habits begin to return. ((Songfic- Linkin Park: Breaking The Habit)) SHOUNEN AI


Breaking the Habit

By: Sailor Aurora Helios

::Notes::

Warnings: Angst, Suicide, Self inflicted injuries, Dark Angsty-stuff,  **P.O.V**. Switch** (3rd Person to 1st), Shounen ai and Sap (GASP!)**

Disclaimer: I don't own GW, LP, Breaking the Habit.

::::

_Memories consume_

        Duo Maxwell sat by the window of the gundam pilots' current safe house. Emotions swam in violet eyes; Duo's cheerful, jokers mask set aside. Pain, grief, anger, fear, confusion. A painful past mixed with a confusing present sent a troubled mind into chaos.

_Like opening the wound_

        The boy sighed as he fingered the ends of his long, black sleeves. He rolled his sleeves down an inch or two. His hand shook a bit as his fingers traced over several faded scars along his wrist. The scars seemed to burn into his arm, into his soul.

_I'm picking me apart again_

        He suddenly regretted choosing to stay behind rather than going with the other pilots. Duo stood and soon began pacing around the room. It was too quiet for his likings. He sighed wearily; he felt so much older than fifteen at times.

_You all assume_

Duo cursed quietly. Why did the others trust him enough to leave him home alone? Sure, he hated when he felt the others did not trust him… but he was nervous. Scanning the room, he looked desperately for something to busy himself with. He needed to take his mind off things.

_I'm safe here in my room_

        Pausing outside the door to Heero's room, Duo stared at the door knob. He crept into the room before collapsing onto the ZERO pilot's neatly made bed. For a moment, as Duo's face was buried in Heero's pillow and his senses were filled by the sweet scent that was Heero, Duo felt safe and secure.

_Unless I try to start again_

        Duo sat up, the feeling of security beginning to fade away. Violet eyes darted around the room. He wanted to release the pain so badly, but he had promised. Duo pulled his knees to his chest and stared at the floor. He wasn't going to start again. He had stopped; Duo could control it now.

_I don't want to be the one_

_The battles always choose_

        Duo bit his lip and sighed uneasily. Why was it always him? All the shit in the world seemed to happen to him. The world seemed to walk all over him. It wasn't fair even a worthless street rat deserved some happiness. Well apparently, Duo didn't deserve any. That was the story of his life. He was Shinigami, after all, and that is what he'd always be.

_Cause inside I realize_

_I'm the one confused_

        Why? Duo always seemed to ask himself that. Why did Solo have to die? Why didn't those soldiers just leave Maxwell Church alone? Why am I Shinigami? Why can't I stop hurting myself, or the temptation go away, even though I promised? Why me?

        I grabbed Heero's pillow and hugged it to my chest. Again, I buried my face in the pillow and quietly pretended he was here. Why did he have that stupid mission? What if…

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

        I sighed and stood. Glancing back at the bed, I knew Heero was going to have my braid for daring to enter his room while he was out. What was the point in fighting? What was the point of continuing our missions? The people we were trying to defend have turned against us. There is nothing left to fight for.

_I don't know why I instigate_

_And say what I don't mean_

*Flashback*

        Duo winced as he tended to a bullet wound. He bit his lip glancing up at the door. Duo knew in a few moments _he would be in here. Just as soon as the thought crossed his mind the door was nearly thrown open. Cold Prussian blue eyes focused on Duo. Duo didn't even flinch back._

        "What do you want, Yuy?" Duo asked returning to the care of his battered body. Heero crossed his arms, still standing in the doorway.

        "You ok?" Duo didn't reveal his surprise that Heero had asked him something rather than giving an order. He pondered over the fact that Heero was concerned about him. The thoughts were dashed as Duo looked up to notice Heero focusing his cold death glare on him.

        "Fine. Nothing I can't handle Yuy."

        "You almost got yourself killed… and we failed the mission, you realize this Maxwell."

        "Well forgive me for being human. I'm not perfect like you. Heero, I wasn't trained to become an emotionless machine, Heero!" There was silence after Duo's cold words cut through the air. Duo looked up at Heero and suddenly regretted opening his mouth. Heero's eyes had widened slightly as pain flickered in his eyes; though the pain had only been there for a brief moment before his eyes narrowed. Duo cursed himself for using Heero's trust in him to hurt Heero.

        "At least I wasn't a thief." The statement was uttered like a slap in the face.

        "Emotionless bastard!" Duo shouted and stood.

        "Worthless street rat!" Heero retorted using the term Duo would often refer to himself as.

        "All you think about is the fucking mission! Well guess what Heero!? The war ain't gonna last forever! What are you going to do then, huh!? What good is a 'Perfect Soldier' in times of peace? How will you live your life without having someone to give you orders, to give you missions!? You can't live in times of peace without emotions. _Then_ who will be the worthless one, ne?" Duo glared at Heero, his chest heaving with the anger that coursed through the American pilot's body.

        "What are the chances of me living long enough to see the end of this war?" Heero questioned. A very slight, cruel smirk fell on Heero's lips. He knew what he was about to say would win him the argument. He also knew what he was about to say would deeply hurt the American boy.  They were both using their pasts and trust against each other.

        "Considering, the boy who claims to be my best friend is doomed to have all those he cares for die." With those cruel words said Heero left the room, not having the guts to see how badly he hurt Duo.

*End Flashback*

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I know it's not alright_

        I couldn't bite back the tears. I stood and sprinted for the door. The door was thrown open as I skidded into the hall. Heero received a mission the day after our fight. Heero had avoided me at all times. He didn't even say goodbye—ok, so he never did but he at least told me when he had a mission. Intense fear had gripped me when I was told Heero was out on a mission. I never felt like that before. Something was different this time, and I know why, Shinigami's Curse was about to fuck up my life yet again. But I wasn't about to let it happen this time, no way in Hell! So I sat down in the living room where Heero's laptop was and I began to write a letter to my friend.

_So I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit tonight._

        My vision was blurred by the tears that I allowed to flow freely. Tears splattered on the keyboard but I didn't care. I kept typing, the letter would explain everything: my past, my fear, my curse, and lastly… my love. I knew the others would want an explanation, so here it was. Heero already knew of my past.

        We were sharing a room again when he found out, and as always nightmares plagued me. In the past Heero would just lay there and pretend to sleep. I always knew, however, Heero was a light sleeper and the softest noise would wake him. Occasionally he would whisper to me after I woke. One night he did something I would never expect the "Perfect Soldier" to do.

        While I was still asleep and in the middle of one of me more horrible nightmares, Heero had crept soundlessly to sit on the edge of my bed. I was screaming as I awoke, Heero laid a finger over my lips. Normally I would have been wondering what the hell Heero was doing sitting next to me in my bed, but I just laid there whimpering and choking back my sobs and tears. Heero brushed my damp bangs from my face and with concern etched in Prussian blue eyes he stared down at me. He had waited until I calmed down a bit before he spoke.

        "Duo, what happens in your nightmares? What demons could plague you so?" And with that I told him everything. Now I was revealing my last secret. Heero would probably quickly skim over the information he already knew and skip down to the bottom; the words that said how I came to fall in love with the Japanese boy. I finished my letter and stood, leaving the laptop on. Entering my room I removed my box of blades and stepped into my bathroom for the last time.

_Clutching my cure_

        My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I opened the box. I grasped the large box cutter. Trembling fingers curled around the blade, which deeply bit into my flesh. Tears exploded from my eyes again. I slumped against the wall relying on it to keep me upright. I choked, begging myself not to let the sob rip through my throat and become vocal. I didn't give a damn that no one was here to hear my sobs, but boys aren't supposed to cry.

_I tightly lock the door_

        I managed to reach out and lock the door. I sunk to my knees and sobbed, my hand still tightly clutching the box cutter. I didn't want to die with out knowing if Heero returned the feelings. The likeliness was slim to none, but even that gave me the slightest of hope. Would I end up regretting this? No. Heero loves Relena. He could never love me, a braided baka, and a worthless street rat. Even if he didn't, even if Heero did love me back it would only result in his death. 

_Try to catch my breath again_

        My breath came in shuddering gasps, the force of my sobs making it harder to breath. I felt so pathetic. I was thankful the other guys weren't here. I couldn't let them seem me like this. They weren't supposed to know I'm not always happy. Heero was the only one that knew how my past (and nickname) haunt me. The box cutter slipped from my fingers and the clatter it made as it hit the ground rang in my mind. 

It hurt so badly. I could hear Heero's voice in my mind. It was saying the same thing as the night he found out about my cutting. It held the same furious under tone that could be heard as the typical monotone wavered.

"Baka… baka… Idiot! Baka! Baka! Baka!" The voice shouted. He had been so angry when he found out.

_I hurt much more_

_Then anytime before_

        I was sitting there for God only know how long. My sobbing had subsided yet the tears still freely flowed down my cheeks. I sat there reflecting on my life. I went over every detail as far back as I could remember. My body had gone numb with an intense, heart shattering pain. It hurt more that any time in the past. I curled up, pulling my knees closer to my chest. It wasn't until now that I acknowledged the deep cuts on my fingers. I shrugged it off knowing they would not matter in due time.

_I have no options left again_

        I started to shake again as I picked up the box cutter. I know I've made some really stupid decisions in my life. When I started cutting myself was probably the stupidest thing I've done. Why I don't just stop I'll probably never know. I started when I had not options left. Once again I've found myself in that position. I closed my eyes and calmed myself. I sat in silence for a moment before beginning to roll up my sleeves.

_I don't want to be the one_

_The battles always choose_

_Cause inside I realize_

_I'm the one confused_

-----

        Heero Yuy slowly walked into the safe house. He collapsed on the couch and closed his eyes for a brief moment. He was beat up but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. Heero noted the odd silence. He guessed the other pilots had gone out. Heero frowned slightly, something just didn't seem right. Heero noticed his laptop and picked it up to begin his mission report. He paused noticing a file on Word open.  
        "Who could have been—" Heero's voice trailed off as he noticed the faint smell of blood. Heero's brow furrowed. He didn't even hesitate as it dawned on him. The laptop fell to the ground forgotten as Heero tore off down the hall and towards Duo's room. Heero threw the door open and his eyes darted around the room.

        "Maxwell no baka; where the hell are you!?" He shouted; his voice sound obviously panicked. His heart was pounding in his chest. Why was he so worried about the braided baka? Fear surrounded Heero. He was so confused as to what he was feeling—wait, he wasn't supposed to feel.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_I don't know why I instigate_

_And say what I don't mean_

        "MAXWELL!" Heero looked around the room and his gaze focused on the bathroom door. He silently prayed he wasn't too late.  He raced towards the door. He grabbed the door knob and shook it violently. His mind was racing. He had never been so afraid in his life.

        "Duo! Duo! Open the door, Duo! Duo, please!! Please, open the door! DUO, PLEASE!" Heero cursed himself mentally. Why did he have to go and say those things to Duo?  Why was he such a cold bastard towards the boy he loved. Wait a minute, back up, boy he… what!? Heero pounded on the door, shaking the door knob again.

        "I'll break down this damn door, Duo!" His vision was becoming blurry, what was happening?  Don't let it be too late. He didn't want either him or Duo to die without admitting some things. He wanted to apologize for saying such cruel words to Duo. He had had no reason to say those things.

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I'll never be alright_

_So I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit tonight_

-----

        I dragged the blade along my wrist, purposefully avoiding the vein. I bit my lip uneasily as I stared down at the blood. It dripped down my arm and onto the floor. My head shot up as I heard the door thrown open. I cursed as Heero's voice was heard. I wasn't expecting him to be home.  I scooted away from the door as I heard his panicked voice. Wait, Heero was panicking? Why would Heero panic? You panic when you're worried? Was Heero worried about me?

_I'll paint it on the walls_

_Cause I'm the one at fault_

-----

        Heero cursed quietly. He knelt down and examined the lock. This was his entire fault. He shouldn't have said those things to Duo. He knew those were things Duo feared more than anything else. Duo had trusted Heero and took off his cheerful mask when he revealed his past and Heero just shoved that in his face. He knew if Duo was… dead, he knew he'd never be able to live with the unbearable guilt. He also knew he could never live without the braided baka.

_I'll never fight again_

_And this is how it ends_

-----

        My grip tightened on the box cutter. I closed my eyes tight and held it over my wrist. 

        "I'm sorry, Heero… I'm so sorry… I love you… I'm sorry." I whispered quietly. I took a deep breath and moved to push down. I'm never going to kill anyone ever again. I'm never going to let my curse kill those I love. This is the end of Shinigami.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

        Heero stepped back a bit. He kicked the door as hard as he could. He kicked it again and the door flew open. I flinched back and hesitated for a moment. Heero raced forward and I found myself pulled into his arms. Heero quickly pulled the box cutter from my hand and threw it aside. My eyes were still closed as I felt Heero lift me up and rush out of the bathroom. Heero sat on the bed and pulled me close to him. His face was buried in my hair and he muttered softly.

        "Baka. You idiot. Baka, baka, baka. You're a selfish baka Duo Maxwell. You wanted to rid the world of you stupid curse, didn't you?! BAKA! There is no curse. Did you ever stop to think what you'd be leaving the people you left behind feeling!? You didn't! Selfish baka!" Heero whispered. His voice was a mixture of worry and pain. It sounded so foreign to me.

        "Duo you idiot. You can't leave me. You're not allowed to leave me. Duo Maxwell, don't leave me. Please don't ever leave me. Duo, I love you. I can't live with out you. You're the reason I keep fighting."

_But now I have some clarity_

_To show you what I mean_

        Wh-What was going on? Was I really hearing this? I pulled away slightly to face Heero. My eyes had grown wide as I noticed tears trailing down Heero's cheeks.

        "He-Heero?" My voice was hushed. I could barely speak because I was so surprised.

        "I'm sorry." Heero whispered softly. "Gomen nasai." 

        "Did you… did you mean… that?"

        "I wouldn't have said that if it wasn't true, Duo." Tears welled up in my eyes. I reached out a shaky hand to rest on Heero's cheek. My thumb brushed away a single tear. I leaned forward my lips were pressed against Heero's in a soft kiss. 

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I'll never be alright_

_So I'm breaking the habit_

        Heero blinked looking confused. His eyes slowly closed as he leaned into the kiss. I pulled away and was smiling slightly.

        "Why didn't you ever tell me sooner?" I asked softly.

        "I didn't understand it until now."

        "I thought you loved Relena."

        "Where the HELL did you get an idea like that?" Heero looked at me and chuckled softly.

        "I don't know…"

        "I never loved her. I never did. I'd kill her if I didn't think she might be needed by the world after this war." Heero stood, still holding me in his arms. 

_I'm breaking the habit_

        Heero silently walked into his room. He didn't even say anything about his bed being unmade. Heero sat me on the bed and turned away to grab a first aid kit. Heero took my arm and frowned at the cuts. He carefully began cleaning them with the utmost care. I had never seen Heero be so gentle. He was doing this for _me_. Heero bandaged my arm and then turned to face me.

        "No more of this. Promise me." Heero said quietly. I stared at him for a moment. I weakly nodded.

        "As long as you promise me you won't die."

        "I won't. I can't be killed that easily." Heero pulled me into his arms and then laid down. I smiled and buried my face in the crook of Heero's neck. Heero held me protectively as I began to fall asleep. 

        "I love you, Hee-Chan." I murmured.

        "Aishiteru, koibito." Heero whispered and kissed my forehead. I fell asleep and for once, no nightmares plagued me.

_I'm breaking the habit tonight_


End file.
